story of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves was always a little too twee
for my liking. It needed a little heavy metal to give it some substance,
and what more suitable a piece of metal than a giant bolt in the neck of
Especially a Frankenstein
played by Kevin Spacey (if you ever saw his portrayal of Walter Matthau
auditioning for a part in Star Wars, you would understand!)...
Having seen Tony Cox
in Bad Santa, I could see him as lead dwarf (sorry - little person) with
attitude - an attitude developed as a result of Frankenstein's behavior.
Playing around with the
names gave me an association between Snow White and the Average White Band
(same last name) - and I've always liked their Picking Up The Pieces, which
seemed a suitable musical association with the plot that developed of its
own accord (Frankenstein playing the part of a temp working for an agency,
taking a job as nanny to the Seven Dwarves while Snow is away on a much-needed
holiday in Malibu).
At the moment there's
a trend of taking fairy stories and twisting them a little to make a different
but still interesting tale, and this concept falls into that category.
With some deft sleight of hand I may even be able to get Elvis in there
many years of slaving over a hot stove to make seven hungry little man
dinners every day, Snow White is in dire need of a break. When her musician
Average (you may have heard of his band) writes to her and offers her three
months of R&R at his Malibu beach home while he's away on tour, she
jumps at the chance.
But who will take care
of the seven dwarves while she's away? Average hadn't extended his invitation
to the little guys who shared her life...
So Snow White walks into
town and asks for help from the local temping agency, who say they have
just the woman for the job, and they'll send her round the day that Snow
leaves for Malibu. They can't show Snow a picture but they assure her that
their contractor comes with excellent references (which they type up while
the account manager is perpetrating the usual snow job on ..er.. Snow).
As it happens, the agency
is severely short-handed, and they only have one contractor left: Frankenstein.
So it's off to the dressmaker and beautician, and four weeks later he still
looks just the same. But in low light you'd swear he was a woman. Very
tall, with big feet and a bolt in her neck.
But Frankenstein needs
the work and the agency isn't about to pass up a contract, so Frank duly
reports for work at Snow White's house – as Francine Stein, Frank's long
And basically it all
goes downhill from there. Frankenstein doesn't want to act the part, refuses
to wear a dress, can't cook to save his life a second time, won't sing
"Hi–Ho!" and wants to rename all the dwarves because, he says, their names
all sound too girly. He favors Simon, Julian, Neville, Adrian, Charles,
Alistair and Claude.
He's also way too tall
for the house, keeps smashing his head through the ceiling, breaks all
the furniture, and generally alienates the dwarves.
The dwarves call a house
meeting in the garden shed – the one place Frank hasn't yet trashed – and
decide they need to find Snow White (who left contact details, but since
no-one has a phone they can't call her) before something serious happens.
They escape while Frank is sleeping and set off on a journey to California.
When Frank awakes it
takes him a while to realize what has happened. Once he discovers his error
(thanks to a carefully worded note that says "It's All Your Fault!!!"),
he heads off after the dwarves to apologize and to try to make amends.
Also, the agency had warned him that if he screwed up the account they'd
unscrew his bolt...
In the meantime, Snow
White has been having problems of her own. She's been the target of unwanted
attention from neighbors, and could do with a hero to rescue her.
And eight of them turn
As in all good fairy
stories, there's a happy ending. But can our heroes find it?
Kevin Spacey as a suave,
sophisticated, but pretty bitchy Frankenstein.
Tony Cox as lead dwarf.
The pitch/premise is